Part 5

I feel like it lasted forever. All those emotions I have in me. I thought it'll never end. Until He opened my eyes. And most importantly, my heart. He showed me signs. That He still remembers me. He still loves me. That I can still be saved. And He, indeed wants to save me. That I can try again. Another chance.

My sister found out about the talk, The Heart Serene. That was the starting point. That was exactly what I needed. For once, after a couple of years, I feel alive. It was the most beautiful awakening. That moment. That precise moment, where I want to stop doing whatever I was doing at that time. He had given me signs, trying to save me. And yet I blindfold myself. I didn't want to waste another second of my life. I don't know much about what I have to do. I have so very little knowledge about the religion. But I knew I needed to do something. There's a voice in me saying I have to find out. I don't how or when, I just knew I needed a change.

Little did I know, that moment, changed me. There was no going back. I'm pulled forward to it.

Part 4

Leaving the house and living on my own was very, different. I was a bit more independent. But I made a lot of wrong decisions. Some, I wish I could just go back in time and erase it. The things I made, most probably because of my weak iman and the burden that I carry inside. Being away from the house is like breathing the fresh air, a total new life. Starting over. It's great that I'm living that place that scarred me. But no one's ever totally happy leaving home, how much the home hurts. Well maybe at least to me though.

I started breaking my own rules. And His rules. I was defeated by myself. My principles in life, that I've hold on to since I was 14, I broke it. I broke my own words I made towards my own self. I rips me apart. I acknowledge the fact that I lost. I failed the test. I was sad, but, I didn't think that I'm strong enough for all of that. I was, broken. Inside and out. Totally, torn apart. Everything about me. I made mistakes over, and over again. I trap myself. I could just go to the other direction, but I didn't want to, though I know that it'll stray me even further. I just needed company. The tears, the hurt, it heals a little when there's someone. Something. That distracts me.

Night-time was the hardest part. It reminds me of everything. Everything I had and everything I lost. Everything I'll never have. The silence kills me. I needed something. A sound. Some words. I listen to music all the time. I write, many nights. It'll never change though. I feel like it understood, but it doesn't change a thing. Nothing I do changes anything. At all.

The pain, the hurt, the loneliness, the tears. It kills me. It kills me inside.

Part 3

I never knew when it starts. But as far as my memory could reach, it begun the moment I lost trust in the person I love the most. The person I've always looked up to, that inspired me to be better. The only person that I thought was perfect. All my hopes and dreams and everything I've ever hold on to, shattered. And it breaks me more than I imagine it could. The only thing that made me cry myself to sleep, ever. That moment, that night. I'll never forget those words that was whispered to me. Some few simple words, that destruct me entirely inside.

And then everything was never right. I find flaws in everything I have and everything I do. And then stories were told to me. All the past went unfold. I witness it, either through my eyes or my ears. It was clear to me then. It made perfect sense.

I felt like someone just punched my heart. And somehow left it hollow. It is as if there's a huge whole in me, empty. Loneliness was my only company. I became so connected to my sadness that every little things that happen triggers it. Tears was flowing every now and then. I was just, a sad girl. A sad, sad girl. For a few years.

Part 2

I was born as a muslim. Into a muslim family. Grown up in muslim community. Lives in a (somewhat) Islamic country. Thought to pray at a very young age. Fasted on Ramadhan since I was a kid. Told to dress modestly when I go out. Went for Quran classes since young. But I never understood Islam for 19 years of my life. I never felt connected to Allah. And I never thought I needed to.

All I've ever known about Islam is that we have to pray, fast, pay zakat and go for hajj. That was my idea of Islam. And when people talk about the Deen, I felt like there's a burden I have to carry when I'm fulfulling the pillars of Islam. But that is the problem. All I ever understood was that I have to do this, I have to do that. And if I don't do it, I'll be thrown into the hellfire. And that's basically why I did it, if I did it anyway.

I never understood why I did it. Not just why as in because we have to love Allah and because He said so and because it's written in the Quran and because we want to go to Paradise etc. Now I understand that I pray because I need to. I need the prayers. Allah doesn't need it. If I missed my salah, He won't be any less powerful than He is. But I will. Because I'm small, I'm His creation and I need to build a connection with Him. So that I'll just at the very least, could feel calmness through the prayers and it'll give me strength to go on with life. And that's why I need to pray. At least, the 5 obligatory prayers. I'm praying for myself and no one else. The prayers that I offer is for me. I.need.it. I need to talk to my Creator. And that is, through prayers.

"If you want to talk to Allah, pray. If you want Allah to talk to you, read the Quran"

Of a double-standard society

I'm just wondering. Kenapa bila orang belajar tentang Islam lebih dari orang lain, kita label mereka 'extreme'? Tapi bila orang yang belajar tentang ilmu-ilmu duniawi lebih, kita kata mereka rajin? Apakah ilmu Islam itu rendah darjatnya? Salahkah orang yang nak belajar ilmu Islam dengan lebih mendalam? Talking about double-standard society. *sigh

Part 1

I made mistakes. I was a sinner. I sinned myself. I chose to fall into the trap. I forgot. I was weak. I feed my worldly desires all the time that obeying Allah became just, a choice. I made horrible decisions then that if I never repent my whole life, I'm more than sure I'll never enter Jannah. He'd never forgive me. But I thank Allah, truly, because one thing that saved me was because He gave me a soft heart.

That heart, while committing sins, remembered Him. Shed tears of utmost regret and disappointment at herself. Felt a rush of shame to her God.

Why? Why do I do this? What am I doing? What is going on? What is wrong with me? What if I die right now?! At this precise moment? How do I face my Lord dying this way? Why do I do this? How did this happen?!

Assalamualaikum :)

And so I decided to make a new blog just because. And here, I'll write my stories I choose to share.