Part 4

Leaving the house and living on my own was very, different. I was a bit more independent. But I made a lot of wrong decisions. Some, I wish I could just go back in time and erase it. The things I made, most probably because of my weak iman and the burden that I carry inside. Being away from the house is like breathing the fresh air, a total new life. Starting over. It's great that I'm living that place that scarred me. But no one's ever totally happy leaving home, how much the home hurts. Well maybe at least to me though.

I started breaking my own rules. And His rules. I was defeated by myself. My principles in life, that I've hold on to since I was 14, I broke it. I broke my own words I made towards my own self. I rips me apart. I acknowledge the fact that I lost. I failed the test. I was sad, but, I didn't think that I'm strong enough for all of that. I was, broken. Inside and out. Totally, torn apart. Everything about me. I made mistakes over, and over again. I trap myself. I could just go to the other direction, but I didn't want to, though I know that it'll stray me even further. I just needed company. The tears, the hurt, it heals a little when there's someone. Something. That distracts me.

Night-time was the hardest part. It reminds me of everything. Everything I had and everything I lost. Everything I'll never have. The silence kills me. I needed something. A sound. Some words. I listen to music all the time. I write, many nights. It'll never change though. I feel like it understood, but it doesn't change a thing. Nothing I do changes anything. At all.

The pain, the hurt, the loneliness, the tears. It kills me. It kills me inside.